Today, I am Ralph

Blake bounds into reception.

"Hello, Blake," say I.

"My name is Ralph. Tell her, mommy. And, you are not my Guppy anymore."

Gulp.

"You are now my Dolphin."

Blake's name varies from Ralph to Andy to Spiderman to Superman to Tarzan - dramatic displays included.

Or, "Hello, what is your name today?"

"Blake."

Teacher Edith, roster in hand:

"Alan Armstrong?"

"Here, ma'am."

"Chris Buitendag?"

"Here, ma'am."

"Blake Campbell?"

"Not here, ma'am. But Batman, is."

At reception, I have two chairs, with animal print cushion covers. I sit down.

"Uppy Guppy Dolphin! You're sitting on the lion's tail, and he will jump up and bite you.

Misty bought a fish tank with two goldies, the colour of Blake's hair. They died that night. Misty was concerned about breaking the awful news.

Misty: "I am so sorry."

Blake: "Never mind, mommy. It's okay, really. But, they must have been in a hurry to go to heaven. They weren't here for very long."

A sleepover at Aimee.

Aimee: "Bedtime, Blake and sleep tight."

Blake: "Aimee, please stay here, I can't sleep."

Aimee: "Why not, Blake?"

Blake: "I forgot to tell you how much I love you."

In the pool at Guppy's, Blake bursts into song:

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
I wish I had a chocolate bar.
My mommy drives
An old, white car...

Pause for thought -

"You know, mommy, you don't need armbands. You've got boobies!"

Whatever keeps one afloat...

Keys Me Quick, Etcetera

Some travellers perceive Saffers as a thieving lot, and Terrylin had a problem with the keys.

Mom and Dad, waiting, for collection, felt they needed to check their luggage.

All. The. Time.

"Geoffrey, ask Joy for the key, and see if our things are still ok."

"Sabrina, ask Joy for the key, and check if everything is still there."

Lock. Unlock. Lock. Unlock. Slam. Bang.

Also, worthy of a mention, were the bathroom doors. The keys were twisted, left and right, up and down, back and forth, in and out, falling on the floor, until we were driven batty.

So, Steven replaced the handles with the vacant/engaged gadgets, and made the following discoveries:

1. A tampon, in one handle. To discourage the Peeping Toms, obviously?

2. A pound coin, in the other. One thought one had to pay. What. What.

On a roll, Steven also replaced the sign on the front wall, with a light inside. So powerful, one can read Terrylin for Travellers - Budget Accommodation - from the airport.

But, of course, a couple, had to ring the bell:

"Is Terrylin for Travellers, also Terrylin Backpackers? Are we at the right place?"

Japie, an Afrikaner, was asked to set the switch - on, from 6:30 pm and off, at 11:30pm, but, what with the half ses and six thirty, ditto, 11:30, spent days here trying to sort out the problem.

A booking enquiry.

I want to book for four nights, but only stay and pay for one night, to freshen up, before going to the airport. I see, on your website, you have lots of bathrooms and showers, but do you have toilets?

Saysa, duly arrives. Change of plans. She would like to book the following night. And then, three days later.

Three days later, Saysa returns. Change of Plans. Again. I want to stay here tonight, and then the night, after tomorrow night.

Perfect, because tomorrow night, the room is booked.

The following morning:

Saysa: "I know my room, is booked tomorrow night, but can I take the key, with me anyway?"

A Big Boy, Now

Blake, is now three and a half, years old.

Last week, my family, spent the morning, at the Crafter's Market, and when I whooshed Blake into my arms, I said:

"Hello, my big man,"

To be told: "I am not a man. I am still a boy. That is a man." (Nodding at AJ).

So, now I know.

"Blake," I continued, "You know what I found in the garden this morning? A real, live, bunny."

"If you don't want him, Guppy, I'll have him. Oh, no, the dogs!"

Hoisted on AJ's shoulders, we wandered about, our separate ways, and there was an update on our whereabouts:

"Where are you, Guppy? Oh, there you are. Where, are you now, Mommy? And, Aimee?"

Then: "You know, AJ. I keep on finding one, and then losing another one."

At lunch, the waitron said: "You know, this is the best behaved three year old, I have ever seen in this restaurant."

Three and a half...

Later that evening, we returned to Emporer's Palace to view the Festival of Lights, and Blake found Santa Claus:

"I know you. You are the real Santa Claus! You were at my house last year."

Blake was rewarded with a sucker:

"Thank you, but I will also need one for my Mommy. I'll keep it for her."

After a delightful day, Misty drove me home, and Blake, near to tears, said:

"I will not cry. Like the last time. I am a big boy now."

At Terrylin, I kissed Blake goodbye, and noticed Misty, looking over her shoulder.

Blake was making a kissing face. And, I saw him.

"You may close the door now, Guppy. Goodbye."

Check, My Dimmers

Simon, binned, a pair of D and G sunnies, which I gave to Gideon, the gardener.

In Saffa, sunnies are a.k.a dimmers.

One, would think, they were diamond encrusted, the way Gideon carried on.

Therein, lay the problem.

On checking, Gideon's progress, as Madam is wont to do, especially if it is quiet, I peer through the gate.

Gideon, sees me, and gallops around, the outside pavement, (Council's responsibility to keep clean - hee-haw), like Mrs Doubtfire, on speed.

The sole purpose, of mowing this lawn, is to impress, the passers-by.

They skidded, in their tracks, in admiration. The lawnmower, is switched off.

"Where did you get those?"

"Can I also work, for your madam?"

"How cool, bro?"

Shrieks of laughter.

"Gideon!", and the admirers scatter. "Give me those glasses. You can have them back, when you have finished your work."

"Good idea, Madam. A tsotsi, asked me, if he could try them on. But, he would have run off, with them."

"And, now, I have a sore head. A cold beer, would go down, nicely."

I placed them, on the coffee table, where they, promptly disappeared.

Steve, strutted through, sunnies aloft:

"Who left these? I'll have them."

"They are Gideon's."

"Really? How much do you pay him?"

On closer inspection, the rim read - D and C, not D and G, as I thought.

Still, cool, though...

Discount

I won't bore you with the numerous requests for discount.

But, two stories, really stand out.

Gordon books the dorm, and during discussions, I tell him of our plans, to have the lounge/dining area floors sanded and polished, guests will need to use the back door as an entrance, and breakfast will be served in the kitchen.

Naturally, Gordon is full of good advice, but agrees: "The floors will look awesome."

The next week, Gordon calls to re-book.

"The floors are being polished today," I remind him.

"No problem," affirms Gordon. "We will use the back entrance. And, I remember the breakfast in the kitchen. We are used to roughing it."

"Thank you for being so co-operative, I really appreciate this."

All settled in, arrangements made to go out for dinner, and Gordon opens his wallet.

"The guys would like discount, because they cannot sit in the lounge, and have to eat in the kitchen."

I call them to reception. None can recall saying anything about discount.

Andre calls to be collected from Park Station. The price is confirmed: "What a bargain. The taxi wanted to charge double that."

Andre, now, also needs to be dropped off at the airport, to fetch Sam, and use the ATM.

They return beaming:

"So, sorry, Steve, but Sam has found another place. And, they are offering us discount."

"Will you give me discount, for collecting me from the station?"

Blake, the Busybody.

Every gran's grandchild is the grandest.

We moan about our children, but boast about our grandchildren. Or so, I've heard.

Before my daughters were born, I dreamed of a mischievous, ginger son, with a frog in his pocket.

I have been blessed with Blake.

Blake's best cuddly animal, is his Woofie. Before he sleeps, Woofie is suffocated with hugs and kisses.

One night, a dog barked outside. Blake was in his element - Woofie was alive.

Blake likes to help around the house. Everything has a place, and he always parks his bika in the bedroom.

If I ask to speak to Blake, over the 'phone, and say: "Hello Blake," he points to himself. Ditto, if he sees a photo of himself, he points to his face, and smiles and kisses the 'photo.

After using the loo, he uses the brush to clean, scrubbing and laughing.

Misty unpacked a melted cooldrink cup from the dishwasher. Blake threw back his head, held his tummy and laughed.

He was also thrilled to he bones, flicking light switches on and off. He nearly flew out of our arms, giggling.

On one of Blake's memorable visits, I heard my hair dryer, full throttle, and feet scuttling down the passage.

Blake was nowhere to be found.

Panic. "Blake, Blake, Blaake, BLAKE," No reply.

I discover a curled-up, giggling bundle under the bed.

Silence. Blake is hanging my jewellery on the door handles.

As a treat, Steven takes Blake to see some real bika's.

Blake went bananas - "Bika's! Bikaa's! Bikaaa's!", and pointed to the posters.

Even the mechanics walked in to witness the commotion.

Steven told me that Blake was offered a beer.

He can tell such porkies sometimes.

Many more posts to follow - Grand Son. Please bear with me...

Pee-Paap

After nearly eight years, with no incidents, The Campbells decide to install an alarm.

Misty memorised the code, and nagged Nick to do so.

With Blake's assistance, the eyes were pointed out, and panic buttons stored in a safe place.

Nick confirmed that he now understood.

It had to happen.

The following morning, Nick entered the kitchen, to make a cuppa, and the household, not to mention, the neighbourhood, was awakened.

Pee-Paap. Pee-Paap. Pee-Paap.

Blake skidded into the marital bed, and pulled a pillow over his head.

Misty's mobile rings, with Nick shouting:

"What's the code? What's the f***ing code?"

"It's 12345, Daddy."

Blake, with minimal mishaps, has now graduated to the loo.

Nick: "Come on, my boy, you must go and wee."

Blake enjoys this, saying: "Shake it. Shake it."

Blake's instructions to mommy are to bring Syd and a potty.

As Blake leans over the loo, Syd is seated on the potty.

"Are you finished now, Blake?"

"Yes, Daddy, but please leave Syd. He is busy with a pooh."